Lately I’ve seen the term ‘thriver’ used as an alternative to victim / survivor.  I suspect the idea is that, in working through the pain of trauma, one is not only a victim or solely a survivor, but leading a thriving life.  I like the idea, even as the term ‘thriver’ seems a little awkward to me.  I like to think that I am more than surviving.  Indeed, included in the mission of The Bady Partnership is the hope to help trauma survivors live abundant lives.

Last night I was looking through some writing I had done between 2006 and 2010.  It was fun to go back and read my reflections on daily events.  On the surface it all seemed cheery and light.  I know, though, that much of that time was dark for me.  Underneath the cheery exterior was a sense of dread, fear, angst and even rage.  I was good at hiding it from other people and even, at times, from myself.  But it was there, weighing me down and keeping me from living that abundant life.  In fact, I had forgotten what it was to live without fear, anger and anxiety.  I didn’t realize that abundant living was even possible.  I had forgotten what it felt like to feel good.  It is only now that I have glimpsed the abundant life that I can truly see the pain, even under the cheerful exterior that I worked so hard to present.  I feel sad for the woman I was, working so hard to survive and make it all look okay.  And now I can celebrate the ‘thriver’ I am becoming.

I’ve been following the political wrangling around the Violence Against Women Act with increasing disgust.  I’ve attempted to post my thoughts on several occasions, but have not been able to adequately put it into words.  I don’t want to get all political here and rant about the “war on women” but I’m feeling more and more dissatisfied with our government’s lack of care for half of the population.   Advances we have made over the years are slowly being pealed away.  As a woman I find it painful to watch.

Another aspect of the debate around the VAWA is the idea that some women are more deserving of protection than others.  Are the lives of immigrants, Native Americans or lesbians worth less?  I guess some would say yes.

As a Vermonter (not native, but adopted), I am proud of Senator Patrick Leahy and these words he shared on the VAWA, a bill he co-sponsored:

Leahy:  House Should Support Senate Bi-Partisan Bill to Support ALL Victims of Violence

I couldn’t have said it better myself

Dolce represents the softer side of the FBI.  Partnered with Victim Specialist Rachel Pierce, Dolce helps victims of crimes investigated by the FBI.  Dolce is the first therapy dog to work within the ranks of the FBI, but hopefully will not be the last.  I am encouraged to see therapy dogs turning up in a variety of law enforcement venues. Dolce can help to reduce stress and calm anxiety when crime victims are interviewed.  He can help provide a safe space when one’s world is turned upside-down.  In a sense, Dolce is on the front lines of PTSD treatment. With early intervention through a variety of means (dog therapy, counseling, etc.) initial PTS may not develop into full PTSD.

Click below to see Dolce’s picture (those eyes!) and read a brief article about his work.

FBI Introduces Dolce

Yesterday was a great day for training!  It it hovered between raining and not raining.  It was humid, but the sun didn’t come out so it wasn’t too warm.  We had a fire, mostly to generate some smoke, to keep the bugs away.

Not everyone could make it last night, so we were a small group.  I got to go out on the field with Bady by myself while the others watched.  (Usually we have a couple of handlers with their dogs on the field at a time.)  It was a little intimidating to be watched so closely by experienced Schutzhund handlers, but it was great to get feed-back on how we are doing.  They gave me some tips on what to do differently to achieve better results.  The best thing, though, was the observation that I look so much more confident out on the field than I did even a few months ago.  I feel more confident as well, which breeds more confidence, better results, and more joy for both Bady and I!

After the obedience work we did some protection training.  That was a good, powerful set as well.  Our trainer even said that it was possibly my best handling ever!  I truly believe that the confidence I display on the field informs other areas of my life.  If I can achieve growth and success in this area, why not in other areas as well?  Bady and I came home for a relaxing evening and good night’s sleep, and basked in a feeling of contentment with life.  Confidence and contentment are new feelings for me, feelings that were largely absent when I was living in the throes of trauma.  What blessings!

Through my participation on the Vermont Council on Domestic Violence I was introduced to the work of Jackson Katz.  Katz came to Vermont to speak a couple of months ago.  While I was unable to attend, I did receive a handout outlining some of the material he presented.  I was impressed with it and decided to learn more about this courageous, outspoken and driven person.

As you can read on his website, Katz is known as an anti-sexist male activist and is known for his work with men and boys around gender based violence.  Here are a couple of quotes from his work:

“Over 99 percent of rape is perpetrated by men.  Whether the victims are female or male, men are overwhelmingly the perpetrators.  But we call it a women’s issue?  Shouldn’t that tell us something?”

“Sexual and domestic violence is more revealing about men than it is about women.”

Rape, sexual assault, and domestic violence are not women’s issues.  They are human issues.  They are issues that affect all of humanity.  Thank you, Jackson Katz, for pointing this out so clearly.  The root of sexual and domestic violence will not be adequately  addressed until we all come together ~ across gender, social, economic, and racial lines ~ to look at it seriously and decide, together, that there needs to be change.

I’m glad to know of Jackson Katz’s work.

This week I attended our monthly Chittenden County Domestic and Sexual Violence Task Force Meeting.  I’ve been part of this group for about a year.  I am so glad to have connected with this group of professionals and concerned citizens. It was through my connection with this group that I was able to speak about my experience of assault and sexual violence at the Legislative Breakfast in January.  When I attend these meetings I feel as though I am engaging on three different levels:  as a representative of the faith community, as a concerned citizen and as a survivor.  I am still feeling my way into how I can best serve the Task Force, but things will come clear in time.

It does feel wonderful to be among a group of people who affirm the need to speak out about domestic and sexual violence and trauma.  As Dr. Z wrote over at PTSD Spirituality, “Whether our trauma was caused by military service or if it occurred in a civilian environment our modern culture encourages us to swallow the trauma, don’t admit to the damage it is still causing, and keep the story to ourselves.”  The Task Force stands against our cultural expectations and norms.

If I have learned anything in my healing journey it is the need to speak out and not keep silent.  For many years I think my PTSD festered and got worse because many of the people to whom I was closest and worked with most intimately knew nothing of what I had been through.  I was afraid to share because it might have changed the way they viewed me and negatively impacted my professionalism.  I have learned that I can be a much better pastor ~ and authentic person ~ by being honest.  My trauma doesn’t define me, but neither do I need to hide it.

On a side note, today was a beautiful day in Vermont.  Gary was away at a librarian conference, so Bady and I went to the training field by ourselves and worked on our obedience, including the jump and the A-frame.  After 40 minutes of hard work in the hot sun, Bady was wonderfully exhausted and I was content with our work.  Now I am sitting on our ‘shade porch’ listening to the sound of neighborhood children play.  It is a great day to be alive!

 

I’ve lived in New England all my life, so I am not sure how I forgot about the bugs!  Spring training is buggy and yesterday I forgot the most important spring training tool:  bug spray!  The people were suffering as well as the dogs.  When Bady has practicing his long down (while another dog was doing obedience on the field) he was more distracted by the bugs than by the other dog.  The bugs swarmed around the visor of my baseball cap.  Luckily I didn’t get too many bites.

We had been away from training for a few weeks because of home renovations, vacation and a massive downpour.  Still, we did pretty well.  We’ve progressed to the next step of our dumbbell retrieve exercise.  We do need to do more work on the jumps and get on a regular schedule for tracking.  When every thing is considered together it seems a bit overwhelming.  The trick is to take it one exercise, one day at a time.  I won’t be able to master it all today, but I can do one or two things to move us ahead.  And with a willing partner, it is fun!

Is PTSD a weakness or a wound?  With the revision of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) the question of renaming PTSD has arisen, with many from the military on the side of giving it a new name.  The argument is that Post-traumatic Stress Injury is more descriptive that Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.  Some view the term ‘disorder’ as communicating a weakness within the individual, whereas the term ‘injury’ better reflects the true nature of what happens when one experiences post-traumatic stress.

I certainly am not aware of all of the pros and cons of renaming verses not renaming.  From my own experience I would affirm that the post-traumatic stress I deal with came from an event with was injurious to me.  Currently, in order to be diagnosed with PTSD one must have experienced a significant traumatic event that threatened one’s life or the life of a loved one or posed serious bodily harm.  PTSD does not just ‘happen’ out of the blue. I also realize that many people who go through traumatic events don’t develop PTSD.  There are many factors that lead to a PTSD diagnosis and I certainly don’t pretend to know all of them.

In my view, though, if renaming it would lead more people ~ including those suffering from combat-related PTSD ~ to get help I think that would be great.  The concern is that many military men and women are reluctant to seek help because the disorder part of PTSD is seen as weakness.  If it were, instead, called PTSI they might be more inclined to see themselves as an injured soldier (like those with physical wounds) than a weak solider. If a new name would lead more people to get treatment and live fuller, more abundant, healthier lives, than I am for it.

Below I have linked an article that speak to the debate.  I would love to hear what you think.

PTSD:  Weakness or Wound

 

Today Bady and I went to the park to do some training “under distraction.”  After working on our BH video I realized we need to do some fine-tuning to get back to the level of focus we achieved when we met that milestone.  Truth is, I tend to get lazy and do most of our training at home or at the club, both places where he is very comfortable!  (Both places where I am comfortable, too!)  When we go to a trial, though, everything is new and exciting and very distracting!  So to get ready we have to go to new and different places to train under a variety of circumstances.  Only once we do our obedience perfect anywhere can we say that we’ve ‘got it down!’  We’ve got some work to do!

Honestly it is as good for me as it is for Bady.  Like many people with PTSD I like to stick within my comfort zone.  Bring Bady different places to train means that I will not be in control of my surrounding.  There will be strange people and strange dogs in a strange environment.  It takes some courage for me to get up the nerve to go, but it is also an opportunity to face my fears and build my confidence.  Those are both good things that Bady helps me with every day!

And here is a story about another dog in training to do good things with his life.  Click the link below to meet Fenway.  Fenway is the official service dog in training of the Boston Red Sox.  Through Fenway and his association with the Red Sox, Canine Companions for Independence is raising awareness about service dogs for the disabled.  Awesome!

Canine Puts the Bark in Fenway Park

One of the benefits of maintaining this blog is the chance to connect with others who are blogging about PTSD, trauma and healing.  I’ve discovered some amazing blogs.  I’ve found that there are many avenues to healing.  It is wonderful when someone shares their healing journey, since their healing journey might connect with someone else searching for healing.  It is also wonderful to be able to encourage and support each other!

I recently discovered the blog “Welcome to a New World” written by Graceful Lady.  (Check it out!)  Graceful Lady shares her journey of healing from trauma through yoga.  I love reading her reflections every day.  In one of her posts Graceful Lady wrote, “I’m getting used to this new feeling of spaciousness and more energy that is no longer bound in the fear and anxiety and feeling the need to hide.”

She put into words an experience I have had in my own journey of healing.  My healing has come through a different means, but the effects have been the same.  As I began to heal I noticed an opening up ~ a spaciousness and energy ~ that I had lost (and forgotten about) after my trauma.  This feeling of spaciousness still feels new to me and is a wonderful gift of healing.  Life seems bigger and fuller and more hopeful than ever.  Thanks, Graceful Lady, for sharing your journey and helping me and others by doing so!